Open fake-sys

The Myth You Were Told

When you apply for a visa, you imagine:

• 37 documents
• 12 bank statements
• Your great-grandfather’s birth certificate
• Blood type
• School report from 1998
• A letter from your neighbor confirming you are “morally acceptable”
• Two photos where you look both serious and hopeful simultaneously

And of course:

“Please explain in 9,000 words why you deserve to exist in our country.”

You rehearse your suffering.
You practice looking humble.

You learn phrases like:

• “temporary visit”
• “strong ties to home country”
• “I swear I will come back”
• “I love my job very much please believe me”

You bring folders.
Not one.
Three.

One labeled FINANCIAL PROOF.
One labeled LIFE TRAGEDIES.
One labeled JUST IN CASE.

You think somewhere deep inside the embassy, a wise panel debates your destiny.

“Hmm… his bank balance is only $2,143… but look… he attached a p

Open database

Meanwhile, Inside the Fictional Ministry

Welcome to the Ministry of Travel Permissions and Snacks (MTPS).

Time: 10:44 AM
Location: Office 9B
Mood: Bored

Offisar Khalid opens his computer.

a very sticky huawei no one uses.

Never had a LinkedIn account.

Only uses his grandson infinix phone for tiktok before bed

He types from firefox:

portal.yalavisa.gov.fiction

very secure. how you know? httpS

Username:

umrah2025alawi66wives19_cat

Password:

$Visa$Quick$123$$$44

Login successful.

A screen appears:

ISSUE VISA SYSTEM v2.1.2
[ First Name: ______ ]
[ Last Name: ______ ]
[ Passport #: ______ ]
[ BIG GREEN BUTTON: ISSUE ]

That’s it.
No background music.
No dramatic lighting.
No destiny.
Just… three boxes and a button.

Open hard-work

The Reality You Never Imagined

While you are:

• printing papers
• stapling photos
• crying at the bank
• translating documents
• checking forums

watching “Top 10 Visa Interview Mistakes” on YouTube

Inside the office:

1. Click.
2. Type.
3. Click.
4. Visa generated.
5. PDF downloaded.
6. Done.

Time taken:

1 minute 47 seconds.

Your entire life story = less time than making tea.

Open suffred

The Performance Art of Suffering

You think:

“I must show hardship so they believe me.”

So you:

• delete Instagram photos
• hide your new shoes
• practice looking financially weak but stable
• become temporarily minimalist

Meanwhile the fictional system:

• Officer: “Passport number?”
• Intern: “Here.”
• Officer: click “Next.”
• Intern: done
• Officer: send it on snap
• Intern: sent Si mr

You prepared emotionally for 6 months.
They prepared by charging their mouse and having the latest snapshat version.

Open satya

Advanced Techniques (Satire Edition)

Once you understand the process (in our totally imaginary universe):

You don’t plan visas months early.

No no.

Pros wait.

Pros (SIX TO SA DISCUSSED)

1. Book the flight
2. Drink coffee
3. Open portal
4. Type name
5. Click ISSUE
6. Send PDF

“Safe travels”

Money?
The printer is in place with the stamps built-in

Time before boarding: 12 minutes.

You are still at home triple-checking whether your middle name needs a hyphen.

Open wow-grando

The Grando

The system survives because:

Applicants think:

• destiny
• background checks
• serious review
• moral judgment

Reality (satirically speaking):

• keyboard
• button
• lunch break

Your 49-page application?

Probably summarized to:
“definitely seems fine.”

Open approvred

Congratz

If visas taught us anything, it’s this:

The harder something feels from the outside,
the simpler it often is on the inside.

Bureaucracy isn’t evil.
It’s not magical either.
It’s just…

someone clicking a button while thinking about what to eat for lunch.

same barista before landing now on my arrival
i told her plz not spicy as i just had my umrah
31dt coudn't even eat it

Open tar

(🌎 Before Anyone Panics)

This book is satire.

If you are actually applying for a visa:

please do not show up with only your passport and vibes.

(that's all you actually frankly need aahah)

wastaaah family

thief unfortunately still love paperwork.

excuse me, i meant chief as in ceo

[ with a sim ship}

DH MAD د.م DAM